I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
