saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
