when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
