The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
