i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
