I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
