All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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