I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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