How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
