It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
