Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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