the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Randomize
