I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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