yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
