Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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