I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
