ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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