Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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