he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
