dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I pour the whiskey from now on
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
