Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
