Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
