I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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