I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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