Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
