I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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