Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
