You're my little dorito
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
