Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
