he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
