i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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