I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
