i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
