I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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