I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
