you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
