between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
