when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
