Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
