Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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