Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
