he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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