Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
