Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There are leaves in my underwear?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
