We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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