im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
