Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
