she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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