i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
