Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
