I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Pants are for mortals
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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